The Scandal of Divorce in the American Church

Church members divorcing at the same rate as the society at large; remarrying in mass numbers; rampant adultery, fornication, and pornography – What is the church to do? We had a discussion last night with our church body about marriage and the family. Afterwards, my wife and I were discussing divorce in the context of the church. How should we respond as the church?

The New Testament gives us two situations in which divorce is acceptable: adultery and an unbelieving spouse. Notice I say that divorce is acceptable. I think the tendency is to wrongly see divorce as being optimal or even necessary. That is not the case.

The case of adultery seems clear-cut enough, but I think there is more to be said. The Bible has much to say about marriage and adultery, especially throughout the prophetic books. In tracing the history of the nation of Israel, we see this history rife with spiritual adultery. In the prophets, the Lord writes Israel (and Judah) his bride a certificate of divorce and sends her away. She is wedded to the idols of foreign nations.

The picture that Yahweh paints in Hosea is one we should pay close attention to. It is one of the clearest pictures of the gospel in the Old Testament. God takes those who have been unfaithful as His bride and redeems her. Through His Son, He has bought back His bride out of prostitution. As Christians seeking to imitate our God, we should be willing to take back a truly repentant adulterous spouse. We can only do so understanding that this is what God has done for us. It is not without great pain and struggle, but our trials lead to perseverance and joy. This is a picture of the gospel to a watching world as we identify with the sufferings of our God and Savior.

Marriage is used throughout the Scriptures as an imagery of God’s love for His people. In the Old Testament, it is Yahweh and Israel and in the New Testament this often takes the language of Christ and the Church. These are two different ways of saying the same thing. Marriage is meant to show the world the gospel and we must keep this in mind as we seek to fulfill the Great Commission. If we fail in our marriages as Christians, then we have brought shame upon the gospel and ultimately we tarnish the Name of God. So how are we to treat these situations?

What about an unrepentant adulterous spouse?

Since this unrepentantly adulterous spouse is both 1) adulterous and 2) not a believer this qualifies for both the reasons for a divorce being acceptable. I want to reiterate here that while divorce may be acceptable, it is never good. A common question may be, ‘What if my spouse is a believer?’ This is where Jesus’ words on church discipline come into play. If the church is to treat an unrepentant sinner as a “Gentile and a tax collector,” the most loving thing may be to do the same to this spouse. Hopefully in this case you are in a church which will exercise discipline and reinforce your actions. This sends a message of judgment to the unrepentant that should loudly and clearly say, ‘Repent and be restored!’

The above course of action is probably the most loving course in the case of a spouse who claims faith in Christ. This course of action is in line with God’s actions toward His covenant people in the Old Testament. He called them to repent, and when they refused, He sent them away into exile. From exile He brought them back and restored them to Himself by laying down His life. As the offended party in this relationship, be prepared to do the same for your (ex-)spouse, and thereby image forth the gospel.

What about an unbelieving spouse?

This is where we arrive at the second situation where divorce is acceptable. Paul speaks of the unbelieving spouse in 1 Corinthians 7. His first admonition is to remain with them if they will remain in the marriage. This will give us consistent opportunities to share the gospel. I believe this situation actually has many further applications to other common questions. For example…

What about spousal abuse?

This is a dilemma often faced and perhaps seldom understood biblically. There are two options for the believer in this case: 1) stay and love the hell out of them (literally), or 2) leave the home without seeking divorce.

Option number one is the most difficult. It will almost definitely require enduring physical and verbal abuse. Why stay? The reason for staying must be to glorify God by seeking to live out the gospel in front of the abusive spouse. You stay knowing that you will face persecution. You could even face death. This option will seem foolish to many, but God’s ways often do. The abused spouse must remain, knowing exactly what they are facing. The goal here is to provoke a response to the gospel. You need to be open, clear, and very explicit with your spouse that your goal is his/her repentance and faith in Christ. Pray for conversion and expect rejection. Pour the salt of grace into his/her wounds as you constantly return hatred with love. The abusive spouse has four options in response: 1) beat you to death, 2) repent and trust Christ, 3) stop the abuse but remain unrepentant, or 4) send you away and divorce you.

Option two may be the easier one to recommend, and may be wisest when children are involved. In this case, the goal is not to pursue a divorce, but to separate the abused spouse and children from a volatile home and seek help. As in every other scenario, the goal is restoration. This will be a painful, and perhaps long process. The abusive spouse may choose a divorce at this point. This is where Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7 come into play. He tells the believers in Corinth that if an unbelieving spouse wants to divorce them, they are no longer bound to this spouse. You may continue to pursue a restored relationship and seek for this spouse to come to know the Lord, but you are no longer obligated to this marriage. The abusive spouse may not choose divorce. If this happens, continue to pursue restoration at all costs and do not give up hope! Ask for help at church. Urge the elders of the church to exercise church discipline and to pursue the unrepentant spouse, especially if they claim to be a believer. If they go on unrepentant, they should be treated as an unbeliever (Matthew 18:17).

What about remarriage?

This is perhaps the most difficult and often neglected question. It may be the one we are most hesitant to ask. Here are some basic principles:

A spouse who is a believer and was married to another believer should continue to seek restoration. He/She should not seek other relationships. If the separated spouse enters into a new relationship, this is adultery. We hesitate to say this, but this is what God calls it. A divorce between believers is not legitimate in God’s eyes unless adultery is involved. While there may be a legal divorce in the eyes of the local judicial law, God’s law recognizes these people as husband and wife. Entering into a relationship in this state is adultery in the eyes of God. Which brings us to our second principle…

A husband/wife whose spouse committed adultery is free to remarry. Again, restoration is always the best option but this may not happen. If one spouse chooses to marry a new husband/wife, the other spouse should consider the divorce final in the eyes of God (cf. Deuteronomy 24:1-4).

A Crucial Stand

Our churches must take a stand on these issues in accordance with God’s Law. A step that must be taken is on the front end. We must preach and teach how marriage and the gospel are intertwined. We must expose the sinful ways of the world that lead to divorce. We need to confront lust and pornography and expose Woman Folly for the harlot she is (cf. Proverbs 9).

We also need to take a difficult stand as pastors. Do not marry someone who claims to be a believer and is divorced for reasons other than the two situations discussed in the New Testament! You are not helping them, but giving them over to sin. You will be judged as a pastor more strictly on the day of judgment.

Our culture has made divorce and remarriage too easy, and the church has fallen in line. Hate what is evil and love Yahweh and His righteousness! You will seem insensitive and they may call you a Bible thumper, but remember it was God’s own people who crucified Jesus. Identify yourself with your crucified Savior as you stand for the gospel by protecting marriage!